Living Life Again

My last post

2009-12-31T13:14:00.001-08:00

Today is December 31, 2009. I began this blog on January 1, 2009. 365 days ago I ventured out into blog world to see how it could help me in my recovery. My original title was "Just letting go". It was how I felt, and still do, about being free of the bondage to the alcoholic. Letting go has been, and continues today to be my primary goal, a drive, of my life. I know I cannot survive and live a happy, abundant life by hanging on to the pain, the past.

How do I feel about 2009?

In some ways, it was a successful year. It was the first year in the last 6 years that I actually began to feel truly free of the alcoholic. I saw significant progress in my thought processes and behaviors. The obsession to sober him, or kill him, was relieved. The drive by's ended, the telephone terrorism ceased. I really did find that miracle of detachment. On this basis, I can honestly say it was a grand year.

Of course, this was also the year I lost my beloved Mother. Just thinking of those days in May/June when the end was near and eventually came bring tears to my eyes. I loved, and still love, that woman. I hope so much that she is dancing joyfully in heaven with her mother and sisters, my father and all the dogs she loved so dearly. If I could be as selfless as she, I am grateful that her earth days are over and her eternal days of bliss are just beginning. Through her death, my brothers and sister and I have come together in a small way to maintain contact. We celebrated Christmas together, and though not totally connected, it was a start.

This year has brought me good professional growth and future growth, and I am so blessed and grateful for these opportunities. It has helped to bring up my self esteem and learn that I have gifts that can benefit people, especially impoverished and challenged people who need a motivator in their corner.

I lost friends this year, not to death, but to disease. The spiritual disease we addicts suffer from, when they dropped out of Al-Anon or AA, they eventually dropped from my life, or I from theirs. It was a tough challenge for me to let go of people I once loved as their behaviors reverted back to disease.

This year I began to see the real importance of preparing Jackson, and myself, for his departure to college. To let go of this man, my beloved son, is a monumental task for me. But, I owe it to him to let him live his life as he sees fit. He wants to go away to college, I will support it no matter how my heart will ache to see him go. I want to teach him how to write a check, drive a car, pay bills, comfort himself and be a giver in his community. I know that if I take care of God's precious gift, Jackson, he will learn to take care of himself..........and fly free above all the pain that alcoholism has caused him.

Lastly, to you people. The few that do read my blog regularly, oh how you have made blogging so worthwhile. To have people return here regularly to see what I have to say is the highest compliment to my recovery. You lifted me with your comments when my mother passed, you pat me on the back when I did a good job raising Jackson, you gently suggested when I was off the beam and you have always encouraged me to be better, do more for others, love deeper. Thank you to Steve, Syd, Betty Ann, Prayer Girl, Gabi, Seth and Dee! You are in my heart surrounded by deeply gratitude and eternal thanks for being the special people God so graciously gift me with. Special acknowledgement to the bloggers that I read, but who do not post here: Mary Christine, Andrew, Sarah, Mantramine.....thanks for providing realness, humor, inspiration and honesty. I love connecting to you via your blog and look forward to more in 2010. I hope you all know how much you matter!

This is the last day of this blog, but not blogging all together. I will have my new 2010 blog up soon and will send you all the invitation. I look forward to keeping on with you all….May God bless you today and all the days to come.

Keep coming back, because YOU are so worth it!

Christina

Turmoil, perfectionism

2009-12-30T06:11:00.000-08:00

Still having a difficult time not working this week. Went to 2 meetings yesterday, shared it at one, and still feeling anxiety at not working to get new students this week.

My boss keeps emailing to find out how my week has gone, ie: did you enroll any new students, EVER THOUGH I am permitted the week off, having met my commitments. I don't think he means anything by it, just trying to shore up his end of year numbers, and I am SURE its all about my inability to say "Hey, no Im not working cus you said we didnt have to, rememberm and I deserve some time off cus I hade a great year, remember?"

Oh why do we have to be grown ups EVERY day?

I am probably going to call some kids today to see what I can do for tomorrow, or the weekend, Not the end of the world, it will help me get started for January....

Im such a wuss. Just goes to show....no matter how many years I recover, I will always have these challenges.....recovery is not cure.

Other than this, Im having a FABULOUS day here at 9:10am, EST. Of course, I have not even gotten outta bed yet.....

thats the next step.

Happy December 30th everyone!!

why can't I just enjoy my vacation?

2009-12-29T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have extra time off since I have a cool boss who gives us the holidays off if we have met our monthly goals for December. I did and so since high school is closed I can enjoy the holidays. Except I cant. A few others are working, adding to their numbers for the month, and my boss called yesterday to see if I had anything scheduled for the week. Kinda like "You can have the time off, but Id really rather you worked"...not sure if thats the way he meant it. Anyhow, its basically my choice at the end of the day, but I guess Im feeling competitive, or sloth f I don;t do what some others are doing. Can ya say that Christina NEEDS A MEETING?

People pleasing, not feeling *worthy*, whatever....I know its my Al-anonism rearing its ugly head.

I am going to a meeting at 12pm, then lunch with a friend. I think I will have to learn to be uncomfortable with enjoying what I am entitlted to and have worked hard at gaining!

Happy Tuesday people!

8 Signs of an emotional manipulator

2009-12-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

8 Signs of an emotional manipulator

Emotional Manipulation is also “Covert Aggression”. See: “Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing”. Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl

1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response: “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain ( don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bs. If it feels like bs – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful manoeuvre – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this sh**.

2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “OK thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bs meter should be flashing steady by now!

4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bs meter once again.

5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off sh** to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the TV. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their donkey looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behaviour you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumour! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even though you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!

7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

Benedryl and Gratitude

2009-12-27T17:36:00.000-08:00

Holiday hangover struck again today. My incredible tenacious allergies have struck yet again, a near daily occurrence it seems. In bed most of the day due to Benedryl-itis.

Got out of the tomb by 5pm, to begin a massive vacation clean up of the house. I have learned to do small bits a time. Like recovery, I live sometimes an hour at a time, in order to make life manageable. Same think with cleaning a neglected house. It felt good to be busy and accomplishing something.

last night an AA ling timer friend came by to visit us. I'll call him CJ. He is a handsome, funny as all hell, very sober, wise AA lifer. We talk almost every day. It’s a good friendship, and I enjoy his humor, wisdom and general wise cracking self. He brought us gifts, even though we had said we wouldn’t do gifts. Ha! Can’t trust those alkies, can I? He gave me a sweet spiritual recovery book and some chocolates, and gave jr a neat-o gift card to Subway! Free food! Always a sweet treat.

I think about how my life isn’t exactly the way I would like it to be, but it sure as hell isn’t the hell it once was. I have friends, I have God and I have a loving son who I adore.

Putting my focus on the things I HAVE and not the things I DONT have, makes me grateful and happy.

Just for today, I am BOTH!

OK you Canadians.....just who are you?

2009-12-26T17:18:00.000-08:00

I have had some visitors from the great North....Canada. British Columbia and Quebec. I am curious to know who you are, how did you find my blog...name, rank, serial number.

I have opened up for anonymous comments, with no restrictions, so I would love to hear about you. No need to give specifics, and you may remain anonymous. I just like to get to know any reader who is kind enough to keep coming back.

And that means all readers, not just the Candians......eh!

Can't get outta bed

2009-12-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

Christmas is done and so am I. I am sooooo tired, I just cannot get outta bed. Up at 8am, no coffee cus Im out, and whew! Back to sleep at 10am. Still in my night gown. Its 12:17pm. Im on vacation, so Im telling myself its ok to indulge.

Jr. and I went to my brothers house last night, where I actually had a good time telling stories and talking to my brothers, wives, and kids. I surprised myself. I thought it would be more of a chore. Jackson was stressed because he felt he really didnt know people there. His 4 uncles, and many cousins, yet it is true, he doesnt really know them. We rarely see them, despite living in the same city. Thats just the way it is. Jackson said he felt ok as long as I was around him, so we stayed together. We were actually the last to leave. It was a nice time.

I need to come up with a new title for my new blog I will be starting on January 1st. Something that describes me, what I am about, or where I'm heading. Something positive, of course. IF anyone has any suggestions, please comment.

*******OH YEAH, ABOUT YOUR COMMENTS !!************

I dont always get to reply to comments since I dont know if anyone raelly comes back to read them, but I do want you all to know how much I appreciate them.

Seth, Steve, Syd, Gabi, Prayer Girl, Betty Ann

You guys are really so special, and I thank you for your continued support through out my first year of blogging!

Stay in the moment today and Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T09:02:00.000-08:00

Puppy dog Christmas

2009-12-24T12:48:00.001-08:00

Message to my readers

2009-12-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

This blog is coming to an end, but.....

2009-12-23T06:33:00.000-08:00

I began this blog on January 1, 2009. I just felt like writing about my life, struggles, most importantly, recovery. I just wanted to be me, whoever I am.

Its been a difficult year...the loss of my beloved mother, many health issues that are still challenging me. It has also been a liberating year in my recovery. I feel stronger than ever in my faith in God, in moving beyond the alcoholic and finding a bright future ahead. My dearest Jackson will be heading off to college next summer, and if God wills it, I will be relocating out of Florida. Who knows what lies ahead?

Why is this blog coming to an end? Because I have made mistakes that I need to rectify. I allowed the alcoholic to trounce here and read my blog. I never should have done that, I want a life away from him, completely. Since I cannot trust him to refrain from reading here, I will leave.

But I will start again :)

I love blogging, I love the dear people that choose to read here, share their comments with me. I find it very therapeutic and will just start over! Simple as that.

So, my last *day* will be December 31st. Hopefully I will have something beneficial to say.When I have created a new blog, I will invite my current followers to come join me in my new home. Because as they say in spainish "Mi casa, es SU casa".

have a great Wednesday everyone!

The adventures of Tuba Christmas 2009

2009-12-22T13:30:00.000-08:00

Ok here it is,,,,,,
Friday, we were supposed to leave after work. Horrendous downpour of the Eastern US snow storm made that impossible. We left Sat at 6am. Yuck. Tired as hell, stressed out about the 4 hr drive to Winter Park, needing to be there by 10:30am.

Take off...and the coolant light goes on. FIRST set back....go to gas station, pour coolant in (just happened to have some for emergencies) and after pouring about 2 cups, realized we had poured it into the OIL tank. $#(#@#&($#&!!!! F bombs dropped everywhere, Jr and I stuffing paper towels in the oil tank to absorb the mess. What to do now? Drive on....

We hit the turnpike. Tired, cranky but determined. I kept thinking that this is what love is....going very far outta my way for this incredible kid that I love.

We arrive in Winter Park 15 minutes early, drive to the park where the concert takes place. Having been there before, we knew just where to go. We pull up. NO ONE IS THERE. No tuba registration table, no chairs for the stage, not a tuba in sight. I cannot tell you how f***** pissed I was. I look up the tuba Christmas website to confirm we are in the right place on the right day. Indeed I confirmed...we were NOT.
The Winter Park tuba xmas event was last Saturday, 12-12. Not THIS Saturday 12-19. I HAD THE DATE WRONG.

$#(&$#(&#@^#@%#*%@&*#%@*&#%@*&#%@*&#%*&@#%@*#%!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After dropping enough F bombs to kill a small army, I regroup and remember that there was another TC event in central Fla and let’s see if THAT one is today. And, it was. Zephyrhills, FL, just 80 MORE MILES to the west. And it was set for 7pm that night. Plenty of time.

So, off we go to Zephyrhills Fl.

Stop at Denny's to get food, which my body and my attitude definitely needed.

Landing in the small, tiny old country town of Zephyrhills, we find a very nice Microtel hotel and chill out. Couldn’t sleep due to all the stress I guess, but rest was ok. Took Jackson to the small church where the rehearsal was to take place, and see several older and younger tubists getting all warmed up. You have to know the tuba world. They are few, but mighty folk, brought together by their love of this large brass blower.

The concert was held in the town square. Literally, a pretty white gazebo located in downtown (think quaint, small new England town shops, twinkle lights, everyone knows everyone atmosphere). It was cold and crisp evening, and the musicians were 20 strong. A rather small turn out for a rather small town. Jackson was acknowledged for being the member who came the furthest away to participate, while another player was acknowledged for purposely missing his flight back home to Baltimore just so he could stay and play with the boys. (Alas, no female players this time).

They played wonderful songs, spread the Christmas spirit and made us all smile. I took some video and will try to post up here once Jackson edits it. It was a wonderful way to spend an evening in a quiet, old town in North Fla.

The next day, we dropped the car at Tires plus to get the oil changed. Ha, you know, remove the coolant and all that, had breakfast and headed over to the OTHER side of the state to visit Kennedy Space Center. I had not been since I was a child and Jackson loves space and engineering, So as we head out of beautiful Zephyrhills, I got pulled over by a sheriff. Nice guy he was, just simply told me to slow down. Was a cool dude, took 5 seconds with me and I felt very lucky to have gotten off. Unfortunately, that gratitude and fear stayed with me temporarily, because on Monday as we were driving home from KSC on I-95, I got pulled over again. This time, no such luck and got a ticket. Well, actually 2....didn’t have my insurance card. That can easily be remedied by sending in my proof on insurance. The other, I will pay or hire The Ticket Clinic. Whatever, it’s the price I pay for my choice to speed. After a few F bombs, I let it go, as Jackson was really cool in helping me to focus on the positive, instead of the negative. Said it could’ve been worse, we could’ve gotten into an accident, but we were safe, had a nice holiday trip and got to see parts of Florida that we had never seen. I love that he knows how to sponsor his Mommy! What a gift he is to me.

So, I’m home, I’m tired, my legs hurt from all the walking at KSC, but I have a wonderful son and the holidays don’t hurt this year and I am happy!

Just for today....I have an abundance of love in my life......I hope you do too....

Oh what a trip

2009-12-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

Just back from Tuba Christmas. What a friggin adventure! Too tired to blog it now, tomorrow will have to do.
It was glorious to see my son play tuba with a lot of other great tubists and he was acknowledge for the only one to drive such a long distance to participate. They dont know the half of it....as we made a slight driving mishap. (or two).

Anyhow, we're back, Im exhuasted. Hope ya'll are keeping on....more tomorrow. Peace.

Hi Ho, Ho Hi, its off to Tuba Chrismas we go

2009-12-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow we head to Tuba Christmas. Jackson will perform in an All-Tuba instrument outdoor Christmas concert. Its held in a beautiful park reminnescent of NYC's central park, and btw, happens to be named "Central Park". ;-)

The first year we went, I sat on the lovely green lawn watching Jackson play, and cried. Angry that his father chose to drink instead of watch his son play in a such a memorial event. Sad for all he was missing in this wonderful childs life. So melancholy at how Alcoholism had devestated our lives.

This year, I could care less. I have no more sadness, no more anger (Just for today). Im in full acceptance of what has occured and I CHOOSE to be happy. B HAPPIE! That is my theme.

Lief is all about choices. I chose to live in gratitude today, being happy over being right.

You have never heard a more beautiful Christmas song til you hear it on 100 tuba's.

Happy Tuba to you all! :)

Change Your Thinking

2009-12-15T04:26:00.001-08:00

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'.

Author unknown

Alcoholic ex husband obsessed with me

2009-12-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

The alcoholic has been viewing my blog, from several different IPs, in various cities. Jupiter, Pompano Beach, Miami and elsewhere. He doesnt want anything to do with Jackson, 6 years of abandonment, he sought a restraining order against me, which I did NOT object too and fully gave my permission to enact, I have had nothing to do with him for years, and am currently taking him to court for failure to pay child support, and yet he cannot let go and is stalking me here.

I found out recently he has moved less than 2 miles away from me after living over 90 miles away for the last 5 years. WTF?

Can never figure out why a drunk does what a drunk does, but I will say this:

STAY AWAY FROM ME. FROM MY HOUSE. DO NOT CALL ME FROM BLOCK PHONE NUMBERS ANY MORE.

I will do what I have to do to rid you from my life. Take this seriously.

Litte bit O humor

2009-12-09T17:56:00.000-08:00

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
    Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
    Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
    The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
    Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
    Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
    Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
    Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
    I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
    God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
    So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
    No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!
Now it's your turn... Share this poem.

2009-12-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

The steps we take to pursue lesser values than the highest, lesser directions than the truest, become part of our progress as we seek greater truth.

Indeed, the miracle that surprises is that our mistakes often occur in the arena in which we are meant to become the wisest, and out of greatest hardship comes the greatest success.

Why does an alcoholic lie?

2009-12-08T09:14:00.001-08:00

How to pray, How to act

2009-12-07T05:24:00.000-08:00

A well-known entrepreneur was asked the secret of her business success. She answered,

"I pray as if everything depends on God, but act as if everything depends on me."

How to get sober without AA

2009-12-06T08:23:00.001-08:00

This is a post from a friend on another site. Talks about all the things she *tried* to get sober, instead of going to AA. (Of course, none worked):

here is a list of what i tried before finally getting into AA, feel free to try all or any, hope you have more luck than i did:

Rehab
Resonance Treatment
Addiction Counselling
General Counselling
Antabuse
Anti Depressants
Changing Career
Changing Location
Changing Drink
Changing hours of drinking
Changing venue of drinking
Exercising
Dieting
Losing friends
Cutting off family
Changing partner
Taking time out to get my head sorted
Stopping smoking
Reading self help books
Losing weight
Locking myself away
Not carrying any money
Living in Hotels, relocating after each big drink
Asking advice from the barman/taxi driver/random people

What my son did tonight

2009-12-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Jackson and I went up to our local AA room for the *ask it basket* meeting. Newcomers ask questions in writing and the chair pulls from the basket a question and people respond.

Afterwards, we saw our friend Marcelle, the grandmother whose grandson died of Leukemia in July. I reintroduced her to Jackson and she remembered him well, as he and her grandson were both in Alateen together for the short while her gs was a member. We shared some hugs and hellos, and as I walked away to leave, Jackson stayed behind to ask her if she liked the color pink.

And then I knew. I knew what he was going to do. Ya see, Jackson has been making some key chain type lanyards lately, our of parracord. Parracord is a thick nylon cord that the military use for a multitude of purposes. He likes making them for key chains, knives or anything at all. He had made a new one yesterday and was wearing it on his belt loop to the meeting. I think he was touched when,during our conversation, she brought up Curtis, her grandson. He could see the sadness in her face. So, he asks her if she likes pink, and as I am about 10 feet away, I am watching, purposely not joining them because I want the moment to be the way it is supposed to be, private, and with him learning to be a loving, gentle man offering kindness alone. He offers her the small, pretty pink lanyard to have. She accepts it and thanks him. She was touched. I was beyond touched, but didnt say anything til we left. Just after he said goodbye to her, I see him go to another young woman/girl and start talking. Im shocked cus he is not usually too talk-a-tive in AA rooms. I leave him to finish the chat and we leave. Outside he tells me the girl was a student in one of his high school classes, he had never spoken to her at school and didnt even know her name. But, yet, here in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, they speak.

Wow, does God know what he is doing, or what?

Hello

2009-12-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

Ive been working so hard this week, no time to write out a post. So, I copied some stuff from the net to post. Im trying to keep a positive outlook, force feed kindess when it doesnt come naturally. Ive been doing some act of kindess every day, just small stuff like donating to salvation army bell ringer guy at Publix, helping out a friend with a resume etc. No need to blow my own horn here.

I got a nice compliment from my boss, who I call Big Daddy Dallas, cus he lives and works in Dallas. He gave me good props for my hard work and hinted that there is something positive to come to me in future (hint: advancement inthe company). That makes me very happy. :)

My young muffin, Jackson, is doing ok. Currently having a struggle, small one, at school, lost his flash drive, but all in all, he is his normal funny, quirky, nerdy but always delicious self. I love my son!!!

We are looking forward to a nice 2 week holiday at Christmas. We will be going to Tuba Christmas on the 19th. What, you dont know what Tuba Christmas is???? Ha....most people dont. It is an all tuba Christmas concert. Outdoors, on a stage in a Capra-esque park in Winter Park, Fl. Anyone who plays a tuba is welcome, just show up, reherse for an hour, and blow your horn. He did it 2 years ago and had a blast. I cannot wait to go again!

Today, we are living, not just surviving, through alcoholism. It is a feeling that I have worked years to attain, and by God, I will keep coming back to keep it with me.

Christmas Gift suggestions that mean something

2009-12-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

Christmas gift suggestions

- By Oren Arnold

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.

Ideas on how to be kind

2009-12-01T04:37:00.001-08:00

Help The Homeless: Donate your professional clothes to an organization that helps people get back into the workforce. G...
Valentine's Day in September: Don't wait until February to recognize the impact they make in your life. Celebrate Valentine's Day ...
Lend a Hand to All Parents: Baby sit. Deliver a cooked meal for the entire family. Let their children spend the day with you or ...
Reachout to the Homebound: Reach out to the homebound -- seniors, ill or incapacitate children or caregivers committed to carin...
Crafts of Kindness: Ask a creative crafter to help you with acts of kindness. Knit a hat for a homeless person this wint...
Corporate Compassion: Plant seeds of kindness in the corporate world. Find the office of your CEO and leave a thank-you ca...
Gift of Generosity: Next time you give a gift, deliver it in a context of generosity. On your friend's birthday, sponsor...
Healing Kindness: Express kindness to those who are healing. Leave a stuffed animal for a child in a hospital. Plant a...
Long Distance Kindness: Reach out to far away lands, with long distance kindness. Ask your penpal to do something kind in hi...
Honor Your Heroes: Honor your heroes with kindness. Dedicate a small act of kindness to your hero by writing them a let...
Kindness Towards Environment: Practice kindness towards the environment. Participate in beach or park cleanups. Reduce air polluti...
Globs of Gratitude: Appreciate someone who has done something kind for you. Send a 'Thank You' card to someone who's hel...
Five Bucks And Under: What can you do with five bucks to make someone's day? Tape the exact change for a soda to a vending...
Spring Forward: Clean out your closet and take the extra clothes to a local nonprofit organization. If you have flo...
Community Kindness: Appreciate a community worker. Give a thank-you card to a bus driver who is driving off-peak hours, ...
Tag the Ones Closest: Do something kind for those closest to you. Give your housemate a hug in the morning, for no reason....
Public Transportation: Before you get off the bus or train, leave an inspiring book on a seat with a Smile Card. Give a flo...
Lending An Ear: Sometimes kindness is as simple as listening. Lend an ear to someone going through a tough time. N...
Connect with Seniors: Connect with seniors in your community. Visit senior centers or nursing homes. Walk or visit with ...
Public Places: Beautify public places in your community. Clean graffiti on public walls. Have a clean-up party at ...
Family Kindness: Surprise your family with an act of kindness. Send flowers (or a plant) to your mom or dad. Have e...
Hear the Homeless: It's been a long winter. Make some soup or sandwich for a homeless person in your neighborhood and d...
Gift of Books: Never underestimate the power of books to expand minds. Give an inspiring book to a friend in need. ...
Volunteer Wonders: Volunteering often provides a good opportunity to be exposed to people who may be in need of an anon...
Restaurant Uproar: Tag someone at a restaurant. Buy someone dessert. Pay for the person behind you at a drive-thru. Pic...
Kindness With Children: Get children excited about kindness. Have a child deliver a hand-made card to your neighbor. Gathe...
Halloween Happiness: Volunteer to take a child trick-or-treating. Teach a kid about safety while out at night; give them ...
Flowers of Kindness: Send unexpected bouquet of flowers to the hard-working receptionist in your office building. Plant ...
The Small Things: Share your umbrella with someone who doesn't have one. Write a thank-you note to a mentor or someo...
Pen is Mightier Than the Sword: Pen is mightier than the sword, they say. Write a note of appreciation to someone. Send an inspirat...
Giving Thanks: Give thanks. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Invite someone for dinner who would otherwise be spendin...
Winter Warmth: As December approaches, the heaters turn on and jackets are zipped up, be mindful of the less fortun...
Gift of Inner Transformation: Restrain from criticizing or saying anything negative to anyone this week. In a challenging situatio...
Seven Greatest Gifts: Gift of service: donate to a cause, as a holiday gift for your best friend. Gift of affection: be g...
New Year's Resolutions: Make a New Year's resolution about giving. Do one small act of kindness every month, whether it is ...
Give of Yourself: Prepare a nutritious sack lunch for a homeless person and hand it to him/her saying "have a great da...
Kindness With Youngsters: Get kids excited about kindness! Setup a 'lemonade' stand on a busy street corner in your neighborh...
Be Vocal In Times of Beauty: Create beauty, in the spirit of kindness. Draw the feeling of kindness and send it as a postcard to...
Ideas in Five Words or Less: Read to a child. Make a wish come true. Rake someone's yard. Smile at a stranger. Be a courteous dr...
Stop Negative Comments: Create change one conversation at a time. Stand up for a woman who is the target of a sexist remark...

How to be kind

2009-11-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

Horrible, horrible tragedy

2009-11-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

I saw it this morning on the news and it hurt me deeply for some reason. Last night, Thanksgiving, A 35 year old man murdered his twin sisters, age 33, his aunt, age 75, and his cousin, a little 6 year old girl who was asleep in Jupiter, Florida, just 90 miles away from here.

I heard the victims last name, and the suspects last name (Siblings so its the same) and it stuck in my mind, but I didnt realize the connection until just now. The mother of the suspect/victims is a realtor here in Miami, a woman whom I did a deal with a few years ago. I had the listing, she brought the buyer. She was/is a consumate professional and a pleasure to work with. Her client was especially difficult to work with, and my sellers had just lost an 8 year old child to a car accident where the husband was under the influence (He unrecovered addict, she sober in both fellowships) and they were going through a nasty divorce.

Now, today, this woman lost her twin daughters to murder by her son. Her life is ruined. Destroyed. Seems the son had a history of mental illness. He is on the run. He will be found, hopefull for her sake, alive.

Instead of bitch and complain about drunks, Im going to take some time to pray for her and their family some more. Be grateful for all I have and count my lucky stars that no matter how painful my is at times, its nowhere near her pain.

The junkie just cant surrender

2009-11-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

When faced with more court time because of failure to pay child support, medical insurance, college plan, the junkie just comes out swinging. Threatening to take me to court to modify his financial obligations. Yeah. Sure. THAT'S the solution.

Deadbeat. Junkie. Drunk.

The by products of WRONG living. Always making friends with this strategy.Spreading love.

And not even bothering to call your son on Thanksgiving. After all. He is just your child.

Put more effort into lowering your financial obligations than to tell your son Happy Thanksgiving.That you love him. That youre sorry for all the pain. Nope. Need the energy to be a dead beat.

The junkie just can't surrender.

And no one is surprised.

Show gratitude for our soliders!

2009-11-26T13:48:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

First, I wish everyone who reads my blog a joyous day of thanks today. If your world is not as you would like it today, I urge you to *try* to find one thing to be grateful for today. An ounce of gratitude can change your whole attitude.

I already had my Holiday Cry this morning. The one that reminds me how my sons father and his family have chosen to not invite Jackson to be a part of their holidays, or lives, for 6 years. Imagining how they have thier typical annual dysfunctional, alcohol fumed gatherings, with all the grandchildren, minus one, makes me angry and sad.After feeling the feeling, I move on to all that Jackson DOES have in his life and find acceptance in that.I have no control over anyone, especially spirutally dead people.

So today we will make the best of what we have, spend the day with those who we love and love us in return. Make this day the best day of your life because it IS the only day you have.

Blessing and peace to you all.

Real life addiction...

2009-11-25T17:08:00.000-08:00

This is a post made on soberrecovery.com today. Its brutal and real. Carries a strong, important message of what we family members CAN do to save our own lives...

Thanksgiving - 1 year ago . . .

I'll bet many of you have often felt like me - If I just knew what would was going to happen - then I would know which choice to make right?

If I only knew the future . . .

For me - I think NOT knowing actually saved me life . . .

For those who are new to SR, I'll give a brief background info.

I was in a 16 plus yr marriage at this time last yr - first 10 yrs of marriage we had NO recovery, then my AH went to rehab, we seperated, he got sober, I got into Al-Anon and we reconciled. We both worked on recovery and had almost 3 yrs as a recovery marriage. Then he relapsed and started that downward spiral. He spent the next 2 1/2 yrs attempting to sober again, not maintaining any length of sobriety worth noting. Many times I stated - I can't go back to living with active addiction again. He just kept on going downward . . .

Finally in November 2008, I started making plans to move out. He didn't believe I would follow thru with it. But I had given my last "second" chances. I truly was tired of trying. Tired of sleeping with my keys and cellphone in my hands at nite. Tired of hiding $$ and everything else to try to protect myself. Tired of being scared to death in my own home. Tired of the insanity and abuse.

So on Thanksgiving nite 2008, I spent the 1st in a little 1 bedroom house, leaving my new home and the majority of all my possessions. (We had just replaced our home from Hurricane Rita)

NOW, HAD I KNOWN what I was about to face in that next year - Would I have still been able to LEAVE????? Geez I don't know.

As many of you know - This year has been a tough one - My now ex AH - turned cruel and revengeful - he fought the divorce, sought spousal support, stalked me, and many nites of nightmares, plus lots of other issues.

I suffered financial ruin, lost those material possessions, my home and had many stressful hours in court. A divorce and settlement that should have been finished in May wasn't completed until the middle of Sept.

BUT tonite when I rest my head on my pillow - I will sleep in peace, my keys and cell phone - will be where ever. My purse will land wherever it falls. I never lock my vehicle at night - My ex doesn't know where I live.

I will wake in the morning - not to the grumpiness of hangovers, bloodshot eyes, bad moods, demanding of money, phone calls, disappearing for hours, etc. but to the song in my heart of gratefulness to the God of my understanding for allowing me to make it thru this year.

To the peace, love and serenity of my life, the fellowship with my family and that gratitude for the opportunity to be sane to enjoy them.

There will be a moment of silence - a time to recognize and pray for my ex - The anger is gone - I feel only sadness and healthy compassion. I mourn for that man that once was during his sobriety - I know my daughters and grandchildren miss him.

I pray someday - he finds that peace within himself again - he truly does deserve it for himself.

For those of you who seek to find the strength, courage and wisdom to start the path to another way of life for yourself - there is a way - It may not always be paved, smooth and easy - BUT it there is a way - and my friends there is calmness, happiness, joy and rest.

May each of enjoy life to the fulliest
Love and HUGS,
Rita

What do I have to be thankful for?

2009-11-25T08:11:00.000-08:00

So much....thank God, I am AWARE of all that I have.

1. A healthy, loving son. Too much to say about this, but of course, its my number one, most significant gift in my life.

2. A job I love and am good at.

3. Loving, recovery friends.

4. A new belief system. Not a perfect one, but a healthy one.

5. Better health.

6. Better attitude.

7. A loving God of whom I rely and trust.

Of course, there are many more than just 7 things Im thankful for. This is only the beginning.....

The newcomer is my best reminder

2009-11-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

Being on vacation this week allows me to go to daily meetings, which I love love love.
In todays meeting, a newcomer of just a few weeks shared about her obsessing over all the things her alki son is doing and not doing. To the point where SHE has come down with a case of diarhea! Ha....do I remember those days of attachment. I was oh so grateful for her share, she kept it green for me! I no longer CARE what the drunk is doing. I dont drive by, I dont ask, I dont obsess for one real reason.

I dont care.

I care about ME, about Jackson, about work, about friends, about sending anonymous holiday gifts to friends I know who could use a lift up. I care about SO MANY things that have nothing to do with a drunk.

And I have God to thank for that. Enjoying the benefits of detachment is delicious. The newcomer showed me where I once was, and where I hope to God I never go to again.

This is the same person who a few weeks ago said she was a *shit magnet*. Hopefully, she will become a shit repellant. Just for today, I am. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, blogging world, I will be taking some delicous treats down South on Thanksgiving to be with my loved ones at an AA room. My family. The drunks, who would've thunk it?

This I believe about love

2009-11-23T18:46:00.000-08:00

The success in life depends on how much Love we are able to give.

Love is display via action. Words arent enough. No.Way.

Yesterday, I tool Jackson to his tuba lesson 70 miles roundtrip (my love for him).

Then I went to have a manicure/pedicure (my love for me).

This morning he left me a love note taped to the wall before he went to school, wishing me a great day off. (His love for me)

Today I bought him 2 Christmas gifts on Amazon (my love for him)

Tonight we went to dinner together, at my request he made his funny impressions on me.....we laughed and laughed. Mutual love.

Love is an action, feeling and intention expressed.

When I give love, I GET some in return!!

Restraint of pen and tongue

2009-11-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

I have restrained myself numerous times within the last 24 hours, for which I am proud. Holiday time tends to reopen deep, painful wounds in the form of resentful thinking.

Resulting in my lashing out. Not this time, or at least not in this moment.

I am more valuable than that. The benefit will be mine. Consequences will follow the behavior. Drunks drink, have negative consequences. I lash out, will have same.

I take solace in knowing my behavior of late has benefitted me positive consequences. The alcoholic probably is not enjoying the same. Its a spiritual axiom that a person who lives a selfish, self centered life, will reap pain and despair.

That, today, is not me. Thank you God.

Faith restored: Emotional groom serended by his bride

2009-11-21T15:48:00.000-08:00

This video restores my faith that a man can express true love in the form of open, raw emotions.
Robert Chien marries broadway Tony award singer, Lea Solonga. He cannot contain himself she first appears at the aisle, during their vows, and when she begins to serenade him with her vows, with her song "I do". This is an amazingly beautiful experience, I highly encourage you to view.

Serenade begins at 4.00 mark. Her voice is breathtaking.

2009-11-19T13:06:00.001-08:00

Drunk on ego

2009-11-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

The ego of the alcoholic doesnt have the ability to take responsibility of the destructive, horrific behavior they have done. Instead, the *blame* others.

It's called manipulation.

Example: For the last 6 years the alcoholic has abandoned our son. Deadbeat dad to the extreme.
When confronted with the pain it has caused my son, his reply:

"Well thats what YOU wanted".

Yeah, I wanted to raise my son alone, fight more than 10 child support battles, be the only adult in his life to take him to school, pay his bills, attend his concerts, tuba lessons, honor roll ceremonies, doctor appointments, surgeries, his 16 year old friends funeral, host every birthday praty, holiday event, funeral of my mother, financial difficulties, emotional difficuties of Jacksons OCD, take him to college visits alone, and on and on and on.

Yeah. Thats EXACTLY what I wanted.

Over 2 years "sober" and thats the best he can do.

You can take the drink outta the drunk, but all you have is a dry drunk.

PS....thanks for reading my bog, especially to Rock Blair.

When bloggers take inventory. Mine!

2009-11-18T04:45:00.000-08:00

A comment was recently made here saying I have not "accepted alcoholism as a disease", or something to that effect.

I used to do that. Take someones inventory based on a short blog, not knowing the person, certainly not knowing where they are in recovery. I wanted to FIX YA! What poop!

Apparently I had written a post a few days ago when I felt pain, or sadness of some sort as it related to the alcoholic, leaving the impression that I am a person who cant accept alcoholism. Reminds me of the old joke "Hey thanks for taking MY inventory, but can I have it back when youre done?".

I DO accept alcoholism, I just done LIKE alcoholism. I hate it. Is that ok? Yup! It is. If I didnt accept it, on a daily basis, Id be out trying to CHANGE the drunk. Convince him, beg him, manipulate him. THAT'S what non-acceptance looks like sista!

Disliking it, hating it, looks like painful blogging sometimes, days of sadness, melancholy. Not everyday is SUNSHINE, peeps!

Reminder to self. Inventory ME, not YOU!

Thank you.

I can't help but be grateful....and brag :)

2009-11-16T18:49:00.000-08:00

How many mom's have a son like mine who calls me from school, just to say hey? Twice. In the same day.

I'm the only one, lucky one. He called today while I was at the doctor, and couldnt talk long. Then called again after his final morning class. He just thinks about me and wants to say hi. So cool. Such affirmation that I am doing an okay job in the parenting department. This gives me intense gratitude, so here goes a list of 10 things Im grateful for:

1. The phone call kid

2. The great doctor who is helping me with my headaches.

3. Love my job and boss.

4. Have good friends I love.

5. Am almost done with the bathroom tile job...thanks to my sweet friend Joe :)

6. Love playing Beetles rock band with Jackson. Im a drummer!

7. New medication seems to be working. Go thyroid!

8. I love God and he loves me.

9. Im learning patience.

10. We are going on a Christmas holiday vacation! AYAYAYAYAYAY

MUCH to be grateful for. Life is outstanding!

Quality time with my son

2009-11-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Today the boy and I went to David, Fl for his weekly tuba lesson. I did some shopping while he was blowin his horn. After we ate lunch at Boston Market, and then went to have fun!

We went to Markham park, a large u-can-do-it-all park. Gun range, fly gasoline powered airplanes, doggie park, everything. We threw the frisbee around and watched some awesome airplanes buzz over head. The blue skies of south Florida were gorgeous, temperature nice and cool. After, we went to "Barkham Markham", the doggie park! We stayed inside with the doggies while they jumped and played with eaach other. It was so much fun to see them run and just be dogs with total stranger dogs. There was one white poddle-oddle mix male that just couldnt keep his paws off the oher males, if ya know what I mean. Humping n jumpin was his plan, though he had a long love affair with another male dog's genetailia. His pecker must have been dipped in peanut butter cus that white dog was a lickin' it with gusto!

I loved seeing the variety of dogs, loves seeing them run and run, free to be themselves. Makes me want to get a little doggie.....the *mama* in me is kicking up for a pet.

Jackson and I laughed and laughed as he did his silly impressions of me, goofing on his pet names for his *man* parts, just being silly and funny. These are days that I cherish. Love the closeness we have. Moments his father will never have. By his own choice.

I wonder if he ever gets sober again, will the guilt and shame eat him alive?

I assume it probably will

It's okay to not like everyone in Al-Anon

2009-11-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

I went to our district Al-Anon gratitude dinner tonight. Nice to see old faces I had'nt seen in a long while. Not so nice to see a few faces I dislike. I have finally realized this year, since my mother's death that it is perfectly acceptable to dislike people in my fellowship.

I use to think I was a selfish sinner for not liking everyone. The people pleaser in me. Not anymore. These people have hurt me, never took responsiblity nor made any amends. So, I do not have to act all lovely dovely. As I was manning the greeting table, for folks to sign in and get a name tag with another memember, some of these people I dislike arrived to sign in. I said nothing, they said nothing. No *fakery* on either side. I felt liberated! I felt like I was honoring my feelings and not having to fake it.

For this people pleaser, that was a great triumph!

Give some love today

2009-11-13T06:56:00.001-08:00

For those sponsees who say they "can't"....

2009-11-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

Tell them if this boy CAN, they anyone can....

My Family......all 2 of us

2009-11-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

Few weeks ago, Jackson and I went to lunch on a Sunday. He made a cute remark when he was done eating, saying "Mommy, your family wants to leave". I giggled, but inside it made me sad because he and I are the only 2 people who make up our family.

He used to have a father. He is a drunk and walked out of us 6 years ago. Though I had divorced him 3 years prior, we remained a family *unit*. Then he decided to drink again. And drug. And everything else that follows. He left us to live the life he wanted.

He took his parents, and siblings, neices, nephew. He disparaged me, and therefore they all hated me. And Jackson. None of his family members have ever made any attempt to contact Jackson in any form. I called. I emailed them. Nothing. Amputated out of the family I had been in for 23 years. Jackson for 12 years.

Thats what alcoholics do to their family.

So Jackson and I created out own family. Al-anon members are a large part of it, AA too. My siblings are not. Typical children of alcoholics, we disbanded, though not out of anger, just out of necessity.

So, today Jackson and I have each other and God. I love my boy and he loves me and THAT is alot more than many many people. I have to always remind myself of that.

Smile

2009-11-09T03:55:00.000-08:00

Even if you don't feel like it.

And I dont.

Why is it again that a sober alcoholic doesn't want anyhing to do with his son?

2009-11-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

?

6 years. no attempt to see his son. no money. No holidays. no grandparents. no aunt. no uncle.a cousin born he has never met. 3 cousins who arent aloud to see him. As if he never existed.

Jackson became disposable. Thrown away like an empty scotch bottle.

Claims 2 years sobriety.

and is planning to move to another country. without telling him. his own son.

Sick.

HUG

2009-11-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday. If you have a child, give him or her a hug today.

Just because.

This is what a father's love for his son looks like

2009-11-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

When everything familiar is gone

2009-11-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

Just watched the episode of "West Wing" where the new president is sworn in, and Bartlett (Martin Sheen) has to leave the white house, along with his loyal staff. The struggle of his need to let go of the last 8 years of being president was intense.

While watching people leave in despondency, fearful of their future, of letting go of the same old faces, same routine, I could feel a Strong level of personal sadness and anxiety. Just like the early days of letting go og the alcoholic post divorce.

Change sucks. Facing new challenges, a new life without the man I spent 23 years with was terrifying. My codependent addiction had told me a life threatening lie; that I could not live without him.Just like alcoholism tells the drunk he cannot live without alcohol. What terror I felt in seeing this episode. Letting go of the familiar, no matter how dysfunctional is was, is so painful. And today I thank God I lived through it, I grew through it ad all that I have gained from it.

Another reminder from God of how I dont have to live that dependent life anymore.

Listening to God thru un-obvious messages

2009-11-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

I had 2 student appointments tonight. One cancelled early, so I did everythig I could to book a second. Called, texted students...either no answer, cell disconnected or students unable to meet. I finally realized it *could* be God telling me NOT to go to one of the worse neighborhoods in Miami, called Liberty City.

Later, when I tried to confirm my 8.30 appt, the student texted she needed to reschedule. THATS when I knew for sure God didnt want me there. So I let it go. Done! I felt like I could forsee the future, like I was avoiding a tragedy.

Nice feeling to see, hear God in my life.

A simple day of love

2009-11-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

I drove my son 35 miles to Davie, Fl to take his weekly tuba lesson. As I was in the early throws of a nasty allergy attack, which have been hitting almost daily and really suck the life outta me, I was thinking how much I do not mind driving him, paying $40 and waiting an hour til he is done. Why? Because I love him.

When you love something, or someone, you, or I, will go to any lengths to show it. Love is demonstrated by actions.When its love, its so simple. Doesnt mean I sacrifice me for him. There are days I cannot do for him, when I need to do for myself.

After the lesson, we went to Shortys Bar b que, delicious food! We laughed and told funny stories and enjoyed each others company. We hold hands in the car and he thanks me multiple times for driving him ad paying for his lessons. He shows his love with verbal acknowledgments, hugs and kisses.

Its the simple things that mean the most. How lucky am I?

An endearing act of love

2009-10-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

Love is demonstrated by action. This video shows what love looks like. Intention. Sacrifice. Dedication. Self-lessness. It's 7mins 44 seconds, great music and a beautiful ending. I hope you enjoy seeing love in action.

Halloween goofiness

2009-10-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

A child Robbed

2009-10-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

My son was robbed of 6 years of his childhood because of his fathers alcoholic selfishness. Robbed of his college money. Robbed of his cousins, grandparents and his RIGHT to have a loving father.

Robbed by the man who should've protected him.

That man stole his happy childhood.

A debt that can ever be repaid.

Wanna see my pumpkins?

2009-10-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

Abundance: I GOT IT!

2009-10-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Not what we have but what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance.
John Petit-Senn

Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.
Wayne Dyer

Life is a field of unlimited possibilities.
Deepak Chopra

When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.
Anthony Robbins

Abundance is, in large part, an attitude
Sue Patton Thoele

The newcomers denial and why I want to bitch slap her

2009-10-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

In yesterdays noon meeting, a newcomer mother felt the need to read a letter her 28 yr old daughter wrote from rehab. With all of 4 weeks sober, the girl wrote of being sorry for the pain she caused the family and felt she was blessed to have her family support her. She also wrote of the joys of sobriety and how it is filled with rainbows and kitty cats. (Slight sarcastic jab there).

The mom was so happy to see humility and responsibility being taken by the alcoholic, and when she closed her share she said "Im so glad to see her change and feel this way I hope it lasts, and Im SURE IT WILL".

(Cut to Christina's mind going ballistic)

You're sure? You have a crystal ball? Ah, heck, it touched the former newcomer button in me. I could see she was riding the same pink cloud her daughter was, "All the bad stuff is behind us", "Nothing but blue skies ahead". I wanted to bitch slap the denial right outta her and infuse her with the reality that most alcoholics WILL revert to the sickness and behavior of days gone past. I guess I wanted her to be prepared. To not face another round of hurt and lower the expectation that just cus the alcoholic is singing a lovely tune now, doesnt guarantee it will last.

But I didnt. Just like I can not say anything that will make someone want to get sober, nor can I say anything to change the al-anon mind. She will find out when she finds out, if she finds out. I let it go. I just focused on how glad I am, for today,I dont live on pink clouds. As it happens, the woman sitting next to her shared that her 12 yr sober daughter has begun to drink again. God didnt need me to deliver a message, when he had the other woman do it for him.

Pink clouds: They are pretty, they are fluffy but they aren't real.

Just for today.

Good friend, Good role model, good father

2009-10-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

My friend, Joe, did something very nice for me tonight. Jackson has been wanting to learn to shoot a gun for the longest time. He loves reading about guns, and we even went to a range a few times to look and observe. I dont know anything about them, especially gun safety, so I asked Joe. Joe is a mans man, who knows about these things.

He picked up Jackson tonight and at my treat, took him to an indoor gun range and off to shoot they went. When the returned, Jackson showed me his target riddled with holes. So proud, grin on his face. On and on they went about how it went. Joe, a recovered alcoholic of 18 years, said "Who would have ever thought ID be a positive role model for a child?". Just goes to show the alcoholic who *wants* to change, can change.

It was bittersweet, because his being with Jackson as a father figure, showed me just how much Jackson has missed, without his biological father being in his life. The damage is monumental.

Current challenges

2009-10-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Im having some health issues at the moment. Been very trying, loss of energy, bad head aches. Thyroid and blood pressure problems. Im taking the steps necessary, going to the doctor regularly, meds with more possibly to come. Im scared. But not frozen in fear.

I have decided to face this challenge just the way I have faced alcoholism. With faith. With God.

Im practicing "manifesting happiness and health". When anyone asks me "How are you"? I reply "Just great, if I were any better, Id be twins!". It may not be true when I say it, but it will be IF I say it. Law of attraction says we attract what we do, say, are. So, its positive attributes all the way.

Today I managed to take Jackson 40 miles away to a tuba lesson and do a small bit of shopping. I was wrecked with exhaustion when I got home, but I was grateful I was able to get that far out. Its been a while since I could make a drive like that. Yesterday I got alot accomplished as well. Im on the one day at a time plan. The best way to live.

Today I am happy, joyous and free.... I highly recommend it!

What does love look like?

2009-10-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

This was a question I had in my head today, so I googled it. Google, like mother, always knows best. This is what I found. Have a great Sunday, peeps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like."

-Saint Augustine

So what does love look like? Love is giving up your 'rights' to the remote control. Love is leaving a quarter in a meter. Love is stopping to open the door for someone. Love is giving up a good seat for someone else. Love is offering a ride. Love is making a phone call, sending an email, writing a letter, baking a cake. Love is putting others needs before your own. Love is a small moment in time when, in a me first world, you put someone ahead of yourself.

Love isn't just a feeling or something couples experience. Love is a choice, followed by an action, then turned into a lifestyle.

By: Kristen L. McNulty

In other words, my friends, Love is action. :)

To be happy, I have to....

2009-10-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Take responsibility for my life

The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.
-Thucydides

To be happy you should have freedom and the most essential freedom is the freedom to choose. No matter how bad a situation is, you can always choose how you respond to it. People can annoy you, but it’s up to you whether or not you will resent.

But, as the quote above says, freedom takes courage. Freedom to choose requires the courage to take responsibility for your life. You shouldn’t blame someone else when something goes wrong. Take the responsibility and you have the power to choose

http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2008/07/23/being-happy-secrets-of-happy-people/

Laugh today

2009-10-24T05:51:00.000-07:00

What's your attitude? Positive or Negative?

2009-10-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties."
~ Harry Truman

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."
~ Brian Tracy

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."
~ Art Linkletter

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The AA grocery store

2009-10-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

AA's Grocery Store

As I was walking down life's highway some years ago
I came upon a sign that read AA's grocery store.

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
and when I came to, I was standing there inside.

I saw a host of friends, I had not yet met
they came up and welcomed me and I grabbed a shopping basket.

I paused for a moment with a confused stare
While the others were telling me to shop with care.

Everything an alcoholic needed or wanted even more
you could find it in the AA Grocery store.

So I started on my journey and went down isle one
picked up some things that I thought might be fun.

Then picked up a few meetings a realtionship or two
a new town to live in I thought that might do.

But as I was wandering I came upon isle five
there were people shopping there who were happy and alive.

So out of couriosity, I went to see what they had
Big books, sponsors, steps and prayer this is what made them glad?

Action and more action a lot of stuff to do
and a green tag special on service work too.

But I did not want those things that's what my head said
so I quickly turned to another isle that I knew was full of dread.

My cart was full of stuff I thought would make me ok
but if I wanted to be free I had to find another way.

So I turned back very full of fear
went back to isle five and stopped so I could hear.

I finally picked up a sponsor that told me where to go
who gave me a blank sheet of paper and said this is what you know.

Told me to go to meetings and be of service too
took me through the big book and gave me things to do.

I hated all of it it seemed like such a chore
But before I knew it I was sober in isle four.

Where serenity was plentiful God and peace were there too
I suddenly felt better and saw life anew.

I got up to the counter and asked, "how much do I pay"?
I knew that it must be a lot for this new found way.

With a smile they said to me as they put the stuff in a sack
just carry this message to others that's how you pay it back.

Author Unknown

Broken toys and letting go

2009-10-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Broken Toys

As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.

But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."

author unknown

Think you've got it bad? Cure to self pity

2009-10-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

Think again............

Ten best moments of my life

2009-10-17T06:30:00.001-07:00

1. Giving birth to my beloved Jackson. First ever experience of feeling unconditional love for someone, other than my mother.

2. Being with my mother as she lay dying. I could not imagine NOT being able to be there with her. Probably the greatest gift God will ever give me, next to my Jackson.

3. The feeling I felt when my codependent addiction felt under control. When I didnt feel I *needed* to have the alcoholic in my life. Another significant feeling that miracles exist.

4. Being financially self supporting and secure. Knowing I can and AM doing it without another person.

5. Any hug from another suffering 12 stepper.

6. The first time someone came up to me after a meeting and said they liked what I shared. What a *wow* moment to an insecure, unworthy person with no self esteem.

7. When my first sponsee asked me to sponsor her. Incredible compliment to the rebuilding of my *self*.

8. The first time I sat in the Coral Reef High School auditorium and heard my son play his tuba in a concert. The tears of gratitude that he had found a love and direction for music in his life was overwhelming.

9. Anytime I see Jackson display courtesy and generosity to a stranger, which is often. Makes me feel that I have done something right with molding him into a better man.

10. Giving help to the newcomer.

Faith

2009-10-16T12:49:00.000-07:00

Faith...
When you come to the edge of all the light you have,
and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly.

Force fed gratitude

2009-10-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Its a day to shove the blessings down my thoat. Those days are when resentment, anger and powerlessness pop into my soul. I may not FEEL grateful, but expereince has shown if I take the action, the FEELING will follow. Here goes:

GRATITUDE LIST FOR TODAY

1. Jackson loves me!
2. I have 3 student appointments today.
3. Ive reconnected with a long lost friend.
4. I got an awesome mani-pedi Sunday that looks adorable.
5. My new briefcase arrived and its PINK!
6. Jacksons grades are great this year.
7. I have 5 vacation days left to use PLUS a 2 week Christmas vacation!!!!
8. I love my job and the promotion Im up for.
9. I feel a close connection to GOD.
10. Im NOT in the hole of desperation I once was YET I havent forgotten how bad it felt!

HAVE A GREAT DAY, FRIENDS, UNLESS YOU'VE MADE OTHER PLANS!!

Perspective and reality

2009-10-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

A drunk was staggering across a bridge one night when he ran into a friend. The two of them leaned over the bridge and began chatting for a while.

"What's that down there?" asked the drunk suddenly.

"That's the moon," said his friend.

The drunk looked again, shook his head in disbelief and said, "Okay, okay. But how the hell did I get way up here?"

We almost never see reality. What we see is a reflection of it in the form of words and concepts which we then proceed to take for reality. The world we live in is mostly a mental construct. People feed on words, live by words, would fall apart without them.

Amends, Apologies and Alcohoics

2009-10-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

Making amends is more than an apology

Addiction creates moral wreckage. People who become addicted to alcohol or other drugs might lie, cheat, or steal in order to get and use their drug of choice. Often what's left behind is a trail of shattered relationships.

In this situation, apologies won't do. Alcoholics Anonymous calls for amends instead. These are mentioned specifically in several of AA's Twelve Steps, including:

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Carrying out these two steps is a delicate process that calls for guidance from a sponsor or counselor. In an interview, John MacDougall, D.Min., director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden in Center City, Minn., answered questions about making amends.

How do amends differ from apologies?
An amend has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. The idea is to restore in a direct way that which we have broken or damaged--or to make restoration in a symbolic way if we can't do it directly.

Say, for example, that I borrowed 20 dollars from you and never paid you back. If I go up to you and say, "Gee, I'm sorry I borrowed your 20 dollars and spent it on drugs," that would be an apology. Making amends is giving your money back to you.

Why does Step Nine suggest that people avoid direct amends in certain cases?
For instance, you don't run home and say to your spouse, "Gee honey, I had a wonderful time in addiction treatment. I learned all about rigorous honesty, so I want to apologize to you for an affair I had five years ago." That's clearing your conscience at the expense of someone else who's going to feel terrible. In this case, your amend can be an indirect one. Stop having affairs and bring your heart, your energy, and your attention back home where it belongs.

Are direct amends simply impossible at times?
Yes. Say, for example, that someone gets drunk, drives, and kills somebody in a traffic accident. You can't go back and "unkill" the person who died. Instead, you can fill out an organ donor card. This is an indirect amend that can give life back to someone in the future. Remember that with crimes such as drunk driving, people might need to go to court and take a punishment. That's part of making amends as well.

You've mentioned direct and indirect amends. Are there other kinds?
Sometimes people talk about "living" amends. This simply means that we live differently. Amends are about a genuine change in our behavior instead of the patchwork of an apology. We take on a whole new way of life. We stop accumulating fresh insults to our selves and others.

What are the benefits of making amends?
If we've continually harmed people and haven't made any effort toward amends, then we've got a lot of people, places, and things to avoid. Large areas of life become closed off to us. When you're willing to make amends, those areas open up again. You don't have to avoid people any more. This is true not only for people in recovery but for all of us

More legal battles to come

2009-10-11T13:39:00.001-07:00

Ive dreaded this for some time now. I am going to have to return to court to force the ex-father of my son to fulfill his financial and legal responsibilities towards my sons college.

This time I will have to hire an attorney. I had hoped he would have found sobriety, and a spiritual awakening, however that is not to be. I have made one offer to settle, and am waiting for the reply. I do not kid myself, the offer wont be accepted, he is a drunk, he will fight it all the way. I just had to make it in the event the judge wants proof I tried. I dont want to go to court, but I dont get to control the gorilla, do I?

He is still drunk. He is still a liar. He still abandons my son.

Acceptance is the answer to maintaining my serenity today. Which I am. Thank God.

Sometimes

2009-10-11T05:17:00.001-07:00

My Octomom costume

2009-10-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Long delayed gratitude list

2009-10-07T12:13:00.001-07:00

1. That I am NOT a controlling, dictatorial mom, who wants to push my son into a career choice that he does not want (Like the mom "Shrew" I met today).

2. Business going very well.

3. I feel happy most of the time.

4. My allergies suck, but Im living through them.

5. My son said thank you to me for food I bought him today, since he is sick and at home.

6. My company shipped down a cool *blinged out* car for me to drive to high school events.

7. The weather is *starting* to feel like autumn, despite 94 degree temperature.

8. I trust God.

9. God *trusts* me too (the guy has faith).

10. Im free of the alcoholic.

What do YOU have to be grateful for?

Blessings and peace to you all!

God's blessings

2009-10-05T18:03:00.001-07:00

My work life is experiencing significant abundance at the moment, going extremely well. Im practicing gratitude as much as possible, though there is always room for more of that.

Its time to work on more personal aspects of my life. Im taking better care of my health, finally went to allergist and making my home more allergy free. hey have been terrible of late.

I like practicing extreme self care.

Most importantly, I am *alcoholic* free. I have let go, if just for today and a few 24 hours, I am happy, joyous and free....it only took 6 years!

Blessings everyone!

My son donated his hair to Locks of Love!!!

2009-10-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Before.........

Oh Lord, God, Your Majesty....am I the PROUDEST mama on the planet today.
My Jackson shaved his ENTIRE head and donated over 12" of hair to the Locksoflove.org foundation, to help children with cancer, alopecia and other hair growth disorders!!

We have been discussing this for several weeks, I even offered him an incentive, which he refused, saying he didnt feel he should be given something to do the right thing.

So, today was the day. We went to the Hair Cuttery, a local chain salon, and got an incredible hair stylist named Richard. He was an Asian-American with a slightly thick accent and was just delightful. He *pony tailed* Jacksons hair into 6 pony's! Wow, he wanted to shave the scalp as close as possible to gain every bit of hair he could, and boy did he! There was a man next to Jacksons chair watching in admiration, and congratulated Jackson on his kindness to help children in need. When the man left, he walked past me, winked and gave me the thumbs up and said "Great kid"!

Richard, the wonder stylist, was quite humorous, asking Jackson how many girls have run their fingers through is gorgeous *virgin* hair. Jackson blushed. He told Jackson that his generosity would make a huge difference in the life of a child with cancer, and that even if the child who receives his donation didnt know it was Jackson who gave it, there was someone else who knew....pointing to the ceiling, he says..."GOD"!

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And boy do we know that is so true.....I love my son and I am so proud of his kindess, humility and generous soul!

10 year old Japanese girl playing Kansas

2009-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

Unconscious contact = contagious infection

2009-10-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

That 30 second phone call to the alcoholic was enough to build the bridge to resentment. The anger of his abandonment has returned, building a nest in my head. Resentment returns, Im not content nor serene. Im hating him. And it obviously bothers me. So I PRAY. And I take note that as a moth is drawn to a flame, the affected family member is drawn to the drunk in an o so sick way. If I had not called, Id probably not be feeling this way.

But Im neither angry nor surprised at myself. This is what we do. Today was a slight infection, days from the past, Id a begun a manic raging obsession, and done my drive by to his crack den and end up in a way worse spot.

Not today. Which is a testament to the God of my understanding who rewards my diligent recovery efforts.

I have fully accepted that the last 6 years of abandonment can never be undone, and that he will never be Jacksons father ever again.

But it doesnt mean I like it. I hate it.

Still a drunk

2009-10-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

i dont have any contact much with the alcoholic. There is after all a restraining order...against me! :)

I violated it today to tell him he is late with providing me the court ordered copy of his life insurance policy proving it is still an active, paid in full policy. His reaction?

"Oh really (as if he were surprised he is obligated to do this...only for the last 8 years, but who's counting?)"Ok...he says, I'll mail it". (as if I can count on THAT to happen). But ya never know, right? Last resort is court....again.

I hung up.

And recollected on how that short 30 second phone call left me disgusted, and made very clear how drunk he still is. He hasnt made any effort to regain his relationship with Jackson. Nada. He doesnt have our phone numbers, so I was glad he couldnt call me back with insults, as is typical the case.

Still drunk. So sad...for him, not me.

Old. Im old and forgetful

2009-10-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

Changed the ink in my computer printer today. Couldnt figure out why everything printed yellow. Investigated, researched, almost 2 hours, til....

I realized I forgot to remove the tape on the cartridges.

There outta be a law.

The hair cut is coming

2009-10-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

Jackson told me afer school today a friend gave him her moms phone number, that she is stylist in Coral Gables. he is interested in calling her to get a price on his hair cut to be. He will be cutting off almost 11 inches of hair, and donating it to lock of love.

Im very proud of this boy. He seems excited about it, and so am I. I havent seen his face in almost 2 years!!

Things you may not know about me, the good, the bad and the freaky

2009-10-01T19:10:00.001-07:00

I.........

love sweets, ice cream, chocolate and Star Bucks brand "Frappacino" in the bottle (Vanilla only.

say the F* word way too often.

have terrible hay fever allergies and sneeze often, cussing in between wet sneezes.

have long blond wavy hair, blue eyes.

do my own manicures/pedicures

love holidays, have already got my hallo weenie on outside the house

am very loyal to friends, and value friendship extremely

see the glass as half full, (thank God!!)

praise my son as much as I can

fart heartily in private (sorry for any weak readers, LOL, trying to be really real here)

am a thrifty shopper, always seeking coupons and a sale

roll my eyes from time to time

talk a lot

am very funny, always seeking a laugh and the spot light

eat badly

last, but not least, and my personal favorite asset.....am empathetic. Probably the mot significant positive trait my mother gave me.

Why do I blog when I have few readers?

2009-09-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

The other day Im complaining to myself that I have few readers here, and its it worth it to continue.

So, Id compare myself to Syd, or Steve or Andrew and say Hey! they've got peeps. Dozens if not hundreds of "peeps" as Steve calls his beloved readers. "Why, i have to be like them, and have many many readers, otherwise my blog aint worth a damn", my diseased thinking was telling me.

I even went so far as to google up ideas on how to drive traffic here, how to get my blog noticed through search engines and such. It just seemed like too much trouble to do that. So I let it go. And then the "thoughts angel" appeared and asked me why? Why is it so important to have a ton of readers? Would that make me someone important? Special? yeah, thats it. It seems my ego wanted to be acknowledged, to be "acclaimed".

So tonight, I was thinking about the readers I have....Seth, Syd, Steve, Betty Ann and a few others, I thought "How nice that there is something I have to say that they like to hear", and I was very much grateful for that. So, I hope to continue with posting interesting, uplifting and "real" stories of my life......

and with that....look above, I have a cool story to tell....

Free Hugs Day

2009-09-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have the day off today and will make every attempt to hug has many people as possible. How about you?

This is what love is.....

2009-09-25T18:44:00.000-07:00

* A text message from a 17 year old son at school saying how happy he was to make an A on his tough calculus test.

* A daily phone call from the same son from school, just calling to say "Hi, How are you?"

* That same son saying he would agree to cut off his 10" length hair and donate it to "locks of Love" to help children with cancer have hair.

Man....am I lucky.

The following people suck...

2009-09-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

1. mean people
2. Control freak boss
3. Drunks
4. Selfish dip heads

One thing they all have in common..........F-E-A-R.

Thats it, over and out.

Must see!

2009-09-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

This video was just what I needed today to change my attitude.
The action really gets going at the 1.03 min point. Leg lifts and some "James Brown" getting down moves.

The simple things

2009-09-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

"The Simple Things"
Lord...
I pray to stay uncomplicated and do well these simple tasks:
If I open it, I will close it.
If I turn it on, I will turn it off.
If I unlock it, I will lock it up.
If I break it, I will admit it.
If I borrow it, I will return it.
If I make a mess, I will clean it up.
If I value it, I will take care of it.
If it will brighten someone's day, I will say it.
--Author unknown

Hi everyone,

I was sent this poem by an AA friend. I have decided that although my ex husband has done nothing kind nor loving for my son or myself, I will say a prayer for him here:

God, may you give my ex husband the same blessings, peace, miracles and love you have given to me in my time of need. I wish for his peace and prosperity, as well as to his family.

Amen.

Children learning vulnerabiltiy

2009-09-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

I love the chourus of PS22 in Staten Island, NY. Their teacher, MR. B, has taught them its ok to show emotion, be vulnerable with their expressing feelings while singing. You can see many more of their videos on youtube.com.

David Hasselhoff - Daughter

2009-09-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the world has heard that yet again, this man has drank himself insane. And the 17 year old daughter got to see it, got to panic, got to call for help.

And he his *people* put out the PR that it was an ear illness. Ya right. Im just wondering how in the world the daughter can stand to stick around and see this shit? She is the one who shot the video of his drunken hamburger crap. How in hell does she stick around and be destroyed by alcoholic insanity?

way to long, of course, just like the rest of us.
I cannot say how damn grateful I am to no longer witness the sickness anymore!!!

In my meeting Saturday I sat next to a somewhat newbie, who just rattled on and on about what *HE* has been doing. I swear, I could FEEL the tension, the chaos, as if it were my own. I couldnt wait to physically move away from her, SHE was toxic. Kinda like the smell someone has after smoking, it just sits there, permeating thru the soul.

Again, so grateful it wasnt ME in the insanity this time.

feel sad

2009-09-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

Feeling sad last 2 days. Melancholy. Alcoholism has taken so much from me, from Jackson.

Just feeling the feelings. Not every day is sunshine.

Codepedent Addiction

2009-09-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

This speaks to exactly where I was 6 years ago. I didnt write it, a person on soberrecovery.com did......family members of alcoholics HAVE the same disease, only a different strain.

Withdrawing from codependency

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted more about this in "Newcomers," but the object of my codependency (AH) is figuratively and literally gone, and I am hurting as badly from the detox as if it were drugs or alcohol.

Some of you already know my story. AH was not good for me. In fact, being with him nearly killed me, but I have been fully and completely addicted to him for the last 3 years. After months and months of trying to break things off with him and continuously going back, now he is the one who says it is over and telling everyone how much better his life is without me. At the very lowest point in my life, he spit on me and left me to rot and did nothing to help me, and yet here I am feeling actual physical pain at him being gone.

It feels like my heart, lungs and guts are being ripped out simultaneously. I can hardly breathe. AH told me he loves me and to give him a call when I am better, but the only way I would really and truly be better was if I had no desire to call him at all. I'm just not there yet.

I'm praying for strength, but don't feel any right now. I have totally focused on this person for such a long time that to stop doing so feels like stopping my heart from beating. I am not even a separate entity at this point from him. I have no idea who I am. Yes, I am going to meetings, but also spending so much time alone with my own diseased mind that wants to drag me down.

some days, I am still amazed

2009-09-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Coming home from a college fair tonight I worked for my school, I thought of all the students Ive recruited who dont have fathers. Typically they are poor, live in poverty driven neighborhood, black. Typical stereotype we see on tv. And then there is my Jackson:

White
Middle class
suburb, quality neighborhood.

Yet is fatherless. Today, I am as dumbstruck as I was 6 years ago when the drunk just bailed out on us. Some days I wake up to my reality and just C-A-N-N-O-T believe that a man I loved for 23 years walked out on my child. His child. HIS BELOVED CHILD.

And to this day, claims sobriety, and yet has never taken a 9th step, never repaid the stolen money, never even apologized, never taken any steps to rebuild the relationships HE DESTROYED. Do you know what this means?

It means the family disease of alcoholism is trying to reach back into my soul and steal my recovery by implanting denial into my consciousness. OF COURSE I can believe this shit happens to well off white people!!! What am I....stupid?

No....just affected. Yes, Virginia, it happens to us, to him, to anyone.

And it sucks.

Back

2009-09-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Didnt realize it has been 4 days since my last post. (sounds like confession).

So busy with work, high school back in session and I spend a lot of time in them recruiting seniors. thyroid still out of whack, always hots, weight gain has me frustrated, feet sometimes swollen.

but ya know what?

My detachment from the alcoholic is stronger than ever. I;ll take that any day!!

Back when I have more energy....have a great today, everyone!

Suicide

2009-09-12T10:39:00.001-07:00

A sponsee told me today a long time sober member of our local AA room committed suicide. 7 years sober. ACtive member, very active. Former room manager, birthday night chairperson, regular chair of meetings.

Sobriety doesnt guarantee serenity.

12 steps and God.

What is forgiveness?

2009-09-12T04:34:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness is not about condoning another's hurtful actions, it is about releasing your negative emotions and perceptions about the painful events. Otherwise you keep yourself chained to those events or people - you keep it alive within you - and you carry it with you where-ever you go. It is a very heavy burden to carry around and you end up crippling yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

Holding on to anger, resentment, etc. keeps you in 'victim' mode - powerless. It means you are letting those people who have hurt you in the past dictate who you are in the present moment. You can take your power back by releasing these negative emotions and no longer let them hold sway over your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Only you are responsible for what you do, think and feel. You can choose to hold on to painful events, like a weight around your neck, or you can choose to remove that burden by releasing it (giving it no more emotional energy and therefore power) and living a happier life despite past circumstances. In other words... let the past be in the past, and live in the now moment. You can't change what happened in the past, but you have choice over how you live now.

When you assume responsibility for what you experience
and share what you experience in a spirit of companionship,
that is the same as forgiveness.
When you hold someone responsible for what you experience,
you lose power.

~ Gary Zukav - from "Seat Of The Soul" ~

Wheezing

2009-09-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

My respiratory illness is still alive and miserable in me. Wheezing, that coughing til you hear that whistle noise, meaning my airways are constricted. Scary. Painful. Not enough air. Hot shower helped some, humidifier and vaporier on full blast.

God help my airways let go.....and let me breathe.

Til tomorrow folks.....be good to yourselves.

Faith

2009-09-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

Faith isn't the ability to believe long and far into the misty future.
It's simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.
- Joni Erickson Tada
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Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can
be done without hope and confidence.
- Helen Keller
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Childlike faith focuses on our Heavenly Father - not on our fears.

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God is the light that shows me the way, for there is nothing
that God cannot do.

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Without faith a man can do nothing; with it all things
are possible.
- Sir William Osler
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Where hope grows, miracles blossom.
- Elna Rae
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God is even kinder than you think.
- St Theresa
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No matter how steep the mountain - the Lord is going to climb
it with you.
- Helen Steiner Rice
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I would rather err on the side of faith than on the side of doubt.
- Robert Schuller
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Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it is
still dark.
- Rabindranath Tagore
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When the heart weeps for what is lost, the spirit laughs for
what it has found.
- Sufi Aphorism
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Wash your face every morning in a bath of praise.
- Charles Spurgeon
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Prayer releases the power and wisdom of God into a situation.

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Calmness is the way we show that we are trusting in God.

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Miracles happen every day.

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Every day do your best. God will do the rest