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Friday, September 18, 2009

Codepedent Addiction

This speaks to exactly where I was 6 years ago. I didnt write it, a person on soberrecovery.com did......family members of alcoholics HAVE the same disease, only a different strain.


Withdrawing from codependency

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Posted more about this in "Newcomers," but the object of my codependency (AH) is figuratively and literally gone, and I am hurting as badly from the detox as if it were drugs or alcohol.

Some of you already know my story. AH was not good for me. In fact, being with him nearly killed me, but I have been fully and completely addicted to him for the last 3 years. After months and months of trying to break things off with him and continuously going back, now he is the one who says it is over and telling everyone how much better his life is without me. At the very lowest point in my life, he spit on me and left me to rot and did nothing to help me, and yet here I am feeling actual physical pain at him being gone.

It feels like my heart, lungs and guts are being ripped out simultaneously. I can hardly breathe. AH told me he loves me and to give him a call when I am better, but the only way I would really and truly be better was if I had no desire to call him at all. I'm just not there yet.

I'm praying for strength, but don't feel any right now. I have totally focused on this person for such a long time that to stop doing so feels like stopping my heart from beating. I am not even a separate entity at this point from him. I have no idea who I am. Yes, I am going to meetings, but also spending so much time alone with my own diseased mind that wants to drag me down.

2 comments:

Steve E. said...

Christina, a person in this condition (illness) might consider getting busy, if not working. In that case, volunteer at a hospital or somewhere...a homeless shelter, Good Will, Catholic Charities, etc.

Nothing like "working with others" to
get me out of that deep-down gut-wrenching pain which otherwise will not go away.

Peace!

Syd said...

I have been where this person is. I know though that being alone with the "killer"--me...isn't such a good idea. So I go to a lot of meetings, talk to my sponsor, do service work and get out of my own head in any way that I can. It is hard and sometimes the days drag by, but eventually I feel better.