When everything familiar is gone

Just watched the episode of "West Wing" where the new president is sworn in, and Bartlett (Martin Sheen) has to leave the white house, along with his loyal staff. The struggle of his need to let go of the last 8 years of being president was intense.

While watching people leave in despondency, fearful of their future, of letting go of the same old faces, same routine, I could feel a Strong level of personal sadness and anxiety. Just like the early days of letting go og the alcoholic post divorce.

Change sucks. Facing new challenges, a new life without the man I spent 23 years with was terrifying. My codependent addiction had told me a life threatening lie; that I could not live without him.Just like alcoholism tells the drunk he cannot live without alcohol. What terror I felt in seeing this episode. Letting go of the familiar, no matter how dysfunctional is was, is so painful. And today I thank God I lived through it, I grew through it ad all that I have gained from it.

Another reminder from God of how I dont have to live that dependent life anymore.

Codepedent Addiction

This speaks to exactly where I was 6 years ago. I didnt write it, a person on soberrecovery.com did......family members of alcoholics HAVE the same disease, only a different strain.


Withdrawing from codependency

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Posted more about this in "Newcomers," but the object of my codependency (AH) is figuratively and literally gone, and I am hurting as badly from the detox as if it were drugs or alcohol.

Some of you already know my story. AH was not good for me. In fact, being with him nearly killed me, but I have been fully and completely addicted to him for the last 3 years. After months and months of trying to break things off with him and continuously going back, now he is the one who says it is over and telling everyone how much better his life is without me. At the very lowest point in my life, he spit on me and left me to rot and did nothing to help me, and yet here I am feeling actual physical pain at him being gone.

It feels like my heart, lungs and guts are being ripped out simultaneously. I can hardly breathe. AH told me he loves me and to give him a call when I am better, but the only way I would really and truly be better was if I had no desire to call him at all. I'm just not there yet.

I'm praying for strength, but don't feel any right now. I have totally focused on this person for such a long time that to stop doing so feels like stopping my heart from beating. I am not even a separate entity at this point from him. I have no idea who I am. Yes, I am going to meetings, but also spending so much time alone with my own diseased mind that wants to drag me down.