Tuesday, June 16, 2009

See the light the way I see it?

A sponsor once told me to read about self righteousness. I didnt understand why. Had she seen behaviors in my that showed me acting all self righteous? Was it glowing like a UFO burning brght in the sky? I had no idea what she meant or what she was talking about.

But I was open to investigating it. I was willing to read up on it and lay my ego down and consider that I may be acting in a way that was self defeating. I didnt think I was. I dont want to say the specifics, but the gist it.............I am sometimes the last person to know that I have a huge zit directly on the end of my nose.

Now, you may ask, how can a person NOT see a huge zit on their nose? Isnt it obvious?

Not if your in denial.

Admitting that my behavior is causing harm to myself or others is not my favorite thing to do. Taking responsibility for MY behavior, instead of pointing out others is more comfortable. I can always justify why I had to do what I did, instead of taking responsibility for my choices.

One day, several years ago, I was bitterly angry with the alcoholic. He was still visiting our son then, Jackson was about 11 or 12. I was sick of his shit and to show him up, I purposely was not home when he brought Jackson back from a visit. I didnt tell him, or Jackson, so when they showed up with no way inside, Jackson called my cell numerous times worrying about me. I had it off, and just went about my business, gloating in being as thoughtless and irresponsible as he was.

After an hour, I checked my messages and heard Jackson crying, in fear and worry for my well being. Ah fuck. My plan to retaliate against the man who had fucking caused so much pain to us backfired. I hadnt thought about how MY behavior, my JUSTIFIED behavior had hurt the lve of my life. My boy.

I went home, took him in and held him for the longest time, took full responsibility and admitted I was acting out. He forgave me. I was in recovery then, just in a lot of pain, but luckily I had enough awareness to see what I had done and didnt need anyone to try to make me "See the light".

There were times when I never did anything wrong, I was ALWAYS right and minimized my behaviors. I would focus only on the things I did right, from the past, and hey! judge me on THOSE actions, not the ones of today.

Justification, rationalization.....the enemy of the alcoholic. But its all they got when they dont have awareness.

I cant force anyone to see the wreckage theyve caused. I can just just the hell out of the way to make sure that I and those I love dont get run over again.


Syd said...

How true about denial and justification. I have done those things too. I still can rationalize with the best of them. But luckily my awareness kicks in before I do too much harm.