Why does an alcoholic lie?

The newcomers denial and why I want to bitch slap her

In yesterdays noon meeting, a newcomer mother felt the need to read a letter her 28 yr old daughter wrote from rehab. With all of 4 weeks sober, the girl wrote of being sorry for the pain she caused the family and felt she was blessed to have her family support her. She also wrote of the joys of sobriety and how it is filled with rainbows and kitty cats. (Slight sarcastic jab there).

The mom was so happy to see humility and responsibility being taken by the alcoholic, and when she closed her share she said "Im so glad to see her change and feel this way I hope it lasts, and Im SURE IT WILL".

(Cut to Christina's mind going ballistic)

You're sure? You have a crystal ball? Ah, heck, it touched the former newcomer button in me. I could see she was riding the same pink cloud her daughter was, "All the bad stuff is behind us", "Nothing but blue skies ahead". I wanted to bitch slap the denial right outta her and infuse her with the reality that most alcoholics WILL revert to the sickness and behavior of days gone past. I guess I wanted her to be prepared. To not face another round of hurt and lower the expectation that just cus the alcoholic is singing a lovely tune now, doesnt guarantee it will last.

But I didnt. Just like I can not say anything that will make someone want to get sober, nor can I say anything to change the al-anon mind. She will find out when she finds out, if she finds out. I let it go. I just focused on how glad I am, for today,I dont live on pink clouds. As it happens, the woman sitting next to her shared that her 12 yr sober daughter has begun to drink again. God didnt need me to deliver a message, when he had the other woman do it for him.

Pink clouds: They are pretty, they are fluffy but they aren't real.

Just for today.

some days, I am still amazed

Coming home from a college fair tonight I worked for my school, I thought of all the students Ive recruited who dont have fathers. Typically they are poor, live in poverty driven neighborhood, black. Typical stereotype we see on tv. And then there is my Jackson:

White
Middle class
suburb, quality neighborhood.

Yet is fatherless. Today, I am as dumbstruck as I was 6 years ago when the drunk just bailed out on us. Some days I wake up to my reality and just C-A-N-N-O-T believe that a man I loved for 23 years walked out on my child. His child. HIS BELOVED CHILD.

And to this day, claims sobriety, and yet has never taken a 9th step, never repaid the stolen money, never even apologized, never taken any steps to rebuild the relationships HE DESTROYED. Do you know what this means?

It means the family disease of alcoholism is trying to reach back into my soul and steal my recovery by implanting denial into my consciousness. OF COURSE I can believe this shit happens to well off white people!!! What am I....stupid?

No....just affected. Yes, Virginia, it happens to us, to him, to anyone.

And it sucks.

See the light the way I see it?

A sponsor once told me to read about self righteousness. I didnt understand why. Had she seen behaviors in my that showed me acting all self righteous? Was it glowing like a UFO burning brght in the sky? I had no idea what she meant or what she was talking about.

But I was open to investigating it. I was willing to read up on it and lay my ego down and consider that I may be acting in a way that was self defeating. I didnt think I was. I dont want to say the specifics, but the gist it.............I am sometimes the last person to know that I have a huge zit directly on the end of my nose.

Now, you may ask, how can a person NOT see a huge zit on their nose? Isnt it obvious?

Not if your in denial.

Admitting that my behavior is causing harm to myself or others is not my favorite thing to do. Taking responsibility for MY behavior, instead of pointing out others is more comfortable. I can always justify why I had to do what I did, instead of taking responsibility for my choices.

One day, several years ago, I was bitterly angry with the alcoholic. He was still visiting our son then, Jackson was about 11 or 12. I was sick of his shit and to show him up, I purposely was not home when he brought Jackson back from a visit. I didnt tell him, or Jackson, so when they showed up with no way inside, Jackson called my cell numerous times worrying about me. I had it off, and just went about my business, gloating in being as thoughtless and irresponsible as he was.

After an hour, I checked my messages and heard Jackson crying, in fear and worry for my well being. Ah fuck. My plan to retaliate against the man who had fucking caused so much pain to us backfired. I hadnt thought about how MY behavior, my JUSTIFIED behavior had hurt the lve of my life. My boy.

I went home, took him in and held him for the longest time, took full responsibility and admitted I was acting out. He forgave me. I was in recovery then, just in a lot of pain, but luckily I had enough awareness to see what I had done and didnt need anyone to try to make me "See the light".

There were times when I never did anything wrong, I was ALWAYS right and minimized my behaviors. I would focus only on the things I did right, from the past, and hey! judge me on THOSE actions, not the ones of today.

Justification, rationalization.....the enemy of the alcoholic. But its all they got when they dont have awareness.

I cant force anyone to see the wreckage theyve caused. I can just just the hell out of the way to make sure that I and those I love dont get run over again.