Friday, July 3, 2009

God sending me a lesson in compassion?

I read a forum on People post about their stuggles with the addictive diseases. I read this tonight and thought it could have been written by my ex husband. Only difference is the age of his son.

I Hate Myself

Here I go again. Hitting the bottle. I've always said pot is my big problem and if I could buy it legally it probably would be more. I'm ok for a week, a couple weeks, a few days, but I just end up the same way. Wanna escape. I know it's just temporary, but I want that escape hatch.

Didn't get the job today. Is drinking going to make it better? For the moment, I guess so. Tomorrow, I'll go back to hating myself again, not like I'm loving myself now, just not feeling at all. I want to be there for my son, but I know I can't if I'm like this. He's only 8 and already has anxiety issues. Got it from both his mamma and me, and me not being around probably hasn't helped. I really thought when I tried to kill myself that I was doing the best thing for everyone. It's been 5 years now, but I felt like, sure it would hurt for awhile, but at least I wouldn't keep on disapointing for a lifetime. I often wonder if I had it right then, but then I hold my son and look in his eyes and know I have to do better, but still I fail.

Meetings, meetings, meetings, never helped me much. I could see where maybe a wise sponsor could possibly help, but who would want to spend that much time on me? I've been to literally hundereds of meetings. They really don't help me. I truly wish they did. I can see the wisdom in working the steps, but the meetings, have always ended in relapse. I know, making excuses on why it doesn't work instead of "working it". If meetings help you, I am glad, but they really don't help me. I need to get with a theripist, I've got insurance that will even pay for it, but I JUST ******* HATE MYSELF!!

**** IT
Peace and Love,