Friday, July 3, 2009

Instant Gratification

Heard it in an AA meeting today..."Instant Gratification".

The person went on to say that as an alcoholic, I don't care about you, your feelings, I only want what I want, instant gratification. Just those two words gave me comfort. The alcoholic is an addict. Ferocious, vicious, selfish. So its not me, Im not a bitch. Im not a bad person that makes him hate me, abandon me and our son. Its him. His choice. His obsessive sickness. And I leave him to it. To indulge in his sick behaviors, Im not watching anymore. I got off the train of destruction.

Jackson came into my room today with a "firm", stoic look on his face, not saying anything. "What" I ask? No answer. "Whatttttt?" I ask again.

He says: "Have you been calling him again?" (this is the same as asking a drunk if they've been drinking again. The look on his face is exactly that as when I would suspect his father of drinking).

"No! not at all" I say, truthfully and defensively. He knows Im an addict, and I dont blame him asking, I have hurt him with my not being able to detach and let go from the alcoholic. I ask him why he asks.

"He's calling me again". In the past 5 years, his father would call no more than 2 times a year, maybe 3. Yup, you read me right. There is no gratitifcation in the face of an abandoned child of a drunk and junkie, so why would he call? Why would he do anything to see his own son? The last month, since he obtained his long sought after restraining order against me, he has been calling frequently. To us both. Anonymously somethings hiding his number, sometimes not. 10 days ago, I ended all communication (Which had been done via email thru his cousin as required by his RO). When he wrote an absurd, accuastory, threatening email, I said thats it. I blocked the emails, therefore I do not receive any, I do not send any, nor phone calls. Nothing. Now, he's calling again. Jackson doesnt answer, the drunk doesnt leave a message. Same old shit. This is how he makes ammends, by doing the same thing over and over and over again. It works so well, he repeats. He has been asked and told, by us both, to NOT call. You know, it doesnt really matter what we want, just matters what he wants.

My best boy, Jackson, just doesnt answer,. Good for him. Ive offered to have him change his number if it bothers him. He will let me know when he wants to do that. In the mean time, nothing changes if nothing changes, because no one has changed.

Except us. And this crap doesnt hurt so much anymore. Life has become so much more preciouse since I lost my mom. I miss her so much. I dont have time for the bullshit. I have to live every moment as well and meaningful as I can.