It breaks my heart

Jackson wants to shave. Finally. He is 17 1/2 years old. He has never shaved. He doesnt know how. It is my silent belief he has been waiting for his father to return to teach him. Ive offered many times to buy him a kit, have my man friends teach him, he quietly says no.

Tonight he brought it up, says it may help him with his tuba playing. I made the offer to have a friend teach him, says "No, I will find a way to learn". Then he said something that made my heart break even more. He told me how one of his tuba mentors, a man he knows from a tuba website, a professional player some 30 years older thank Jackson posted a story of how his father left him and his mom when he was 5. The man only came back every so often to pick up his personal belongings, never to see his son.

When he got older, he saw that his father had left behind his toiletry kit with his razor. The ma wanted to throw it out but the mother, the woman who was left, refused. She wanted to keep it. Probably the symbol of codependent grief unable to let go and accept. The man learned to shave on his own. The story did not have a happen ending.

Just hearing Jackson say that hurt so much because he is living that sad, greif filled experience himself. I want to rip his fathers heart out of his chest and burn it. Only he doesnt have a heart anymore.

I will ge thim a shaving kit. We will find some videos online to show how its done and I will have to muffle my anger and resentment at the disgust I feel for the drunk and support my son, as I always have.

It could be worse. At least he has one parent. Thats one more than a lot of people I know.