Sunday, August 30, 2009

My opinion on wishing for death of the alcoholic

A few days ago I made a post here saying I wish the drunk would find an AA meeting or find a gun and put us all out of HIS misery. Thats how I felt, and still do, and the words just floated out through my mind and off my finger tips.

Instantly I realized the huge codieness in me when I wrote for HIM to take an action (AA or suicide) so that I, WE, would be set free from HIS misery. It didnt escape me. All those words are how I really feel. The people pleaser in me was concerned with how my blog readers here would think about my feeling this way, perhaps interpreting me as a sick, angry codie. Well, know what? I AM sick, I AM angry at times and I AM always going to be codependent.Thems just the facts. I accept them, I feel them, but Im not acting on them ie: I aint finding the gun for him, nor am I directing him to the closet AA room.

I DO consider his sick, perverted behavior to be the cause of alot of my misery, and though I do not wish him to die out of anger or hatred towards him, I just want the pain to end. If you have ever loved someone dying of a terminal illness, as my mother, you would know what it feels like to wish for he suffering to end. His death would bring about a new pain if its own, but the end of the constant alcoholic chaos, devastation, hurt, disappointments, the "Yets" would end. Hope for sobriety would no longer eat away at my heart, resentment might turn to compassion and I know I would feel a certain relief.

I respect the people who read here, most whom are recovering in a 12 step fellowship: Syd, Steve, Seth, Betty Ann, Lisa, and I got mindful of "What would they think of me" for writing that I wished for his death. Then, when being uncomfortable enough with that self-centered fear, I deicded to write on it here. I am not ashamed of feeling the way I do, I have heard many a al-anon members say the same, whichmakes me feel not alone and normal.Its the truth, raw and ugly, and I dont think that even if I became a spiritual guru sitting high atop a mountain full of wisdom that I would feel different.

Terminal illness, which is what Al-Anon says I have too as alcoholism IS a family disease, needs to have an end. Either through sober recovery, or death.


Ms Hen said...

My mother used to wish my father was DEAD. The therapist said that was normal.

I set up my life that I disowned all who was horrific to me.. and I'm very very very happy.

I am having a wonderful life with occassional sadness.

I'm not going to make the fact my father got drunk and molested me; or my mother tried to pretend it did not happen or things my ex-husband did make me sad. I'm happy. It is real the Joy and enthusiasm I have for life.

I get set backs; and i get sad; and i cry at times.. but I have a Joy and Zest I never had before going to Al-anon that when others hurt me I know to not take it personal and also not be part of it.

I want you to have a great life; you are a sweet lady; and I wish you joy in your heart.

Keep the focus on you as they teach in al-anon.

I used to wish my ex-husband death too...... it would have made things easier. He did get drunk and say something inappropriate to my daughter; his step daughter and I had him out of the house the same day on March 21, 2002. And I grew and came a long way..

Can't let drunks ruin my life.


Steve E. said...

Well, my understanding of the disease of alcoholism is that not only the drinker suffers (has) the disease, but also those who live or work with him/her have alcoholism, only maybe they don't drink.

Yes, Virginia, alcoholism IS a family disease, affecting millions of people everywhere. That IS what Alanon is for--and you seem to be on track.

Thanks for supporting my scooter riding efforts, in your comments.

Syd said...

I used to wish for my own death. I thought that was the way out. I have found that I have a lot to live for. And that my life doesn't have to be miserable. It has helped for me to go to open AA meetings to understand the alcoholic's perspective. And to go to Al-Anon meetings to help myself.