Saturday, October 3, 2009

Unconscious contact = contagious infection

That 30 second phone call to the alcoholic was enough to build the bridge to resentment. The anger of his abandonment has returned, building a nest in my head. Resentment returns, Im not content nor serene. Im hating him. And it obviously bothers me. So I PRAY. And I take note that as a moth is drawn to a flame, the affected family member is drawn to the drunk in an o so sick way. If I had not called, Id probably not be feeling this way.

But Im neither angry nor surprised at myself. This is what we do. Today was a slight infection, days from the past, Id a begun a manic raging obsession, and done my drive by to his crack den and end up in a way worse spot.

Not today. Which is a testament to the God of my understanding who rewards my diligent recovery efforts.

I have fully accepted that the last 6 years of abandonment can never be undone, and that he will never be Jacksons father ever again.

But it doesnt mean I like it. I hate it.


Syd said...

I'm glad that prayer helped. It helps me too when I start to build a resentment. Good for you.