My last post

Today is December 31, 2009. I began this blog on January 1, 2009. 365 days ago I ventured out into blog world to see how it could help me in my recovery. My original title was "Just letting go". It was how I felt, and still do, about being free of the bondage to the alcoholic. Letting go has been, and continues today to be my primary goal, a drive, of my life. I know I cannot survive and live a happy, abundant life by hanging on to the pain, the past.

How do I feel about 2009?

In some ways, it was a successful year. It was the first year in the last 6 years that I actually began to feel truly free of the alcoholic. I saw significant progress in my thought processes and behaviors. The obsession to sober him, or kill him, was relieved. The drive by's ended, the telephone terrorism ceased. I really did find that miracle of detachment. On this basis, I can honestly say it was a grand year.

Of course, this was also the year I lost my beloved Mother. Just thinking of those days in May/June when the end was near and eventually came bring tears to my eyes. I loved, and still love, that woman. I hope so much that she is dancing joyfully in heaven with her mother and sisters, my father and all the dogs she loved so dearly. If I could be as selfless as she, I am grateful that her earth days are over and her eternal days of bliss are just beginning. Through her death, my brothers and sister and I have come together in a small way to maintain contact. We celebrated Christmas together, and though not totally connected, it was a start.

This year has brought me good professional growth and future growth, and I am so blessed and grateful for these opportunities. It has helped to bring up my self esteem and learn that I have gifts that can benefit people, especially impoverished and challenged people who need a motivator in their corner.

I lost friends this year, not to death, but to disease. The spiritual disease we addicts suffer from, when they dropped out of Al-Anon or AA, they eventually dropped from my life, or I from theirs. It was a tough challenge for me to let go of people I once loved as their behaviors reverted back to disease.

This year I began to see the real importance of preparing Jackson, and myself, for his departure to college. To let go of this man, my beloved son, is a monumental task for me. But, I owe it to him to let him live his life as he sees fit. He wants to go away to college, I will support it no matter how my heart will ache to see him go. I want to teach him how to write a check, drive a car, pay bills, comfort himself and be a giver in his community. I know that if I take care of God's precious gift, Jackson, he will learn to take care of himself..........and fly free above all the pain that alcoholism has caused him.

Lastly, to you people. The few that do read my blog regularly, oh how you have made blogging so worthwhile. To have people return here regularly to see what I have to say is the highest compliment to my recovery. You lifted me with your comments when my mother passed, you pat me on the back when I did a good job raising Jackson, you gently suggested when I was off the beam and you have always encouraged me to be better, do more for others, love deeper. Thank you to Steve, Syd, Betty Ann, Prayer Girl, Gabi, Seth and Dee! You are in my heart surrounded by deeply gratitude and eternal thanks for being the special people God so graciously gift me with. Special acknowledgement to the bloggers that I read, but who do not post here: Mary Christine, Andrew, Sarah, Mantramine.....thanks for providing realness, humor, inspiration and honesty. I love connecting to you via your blog and look forward to more in 2010. I hope you all know how much you matter!

This is the last day of this blog, but not blogging all together. I will have my new 2010 blog up soon and will send you all the invitation. I look forward to keeping on with you all….May God bless you today and all the days to come.

Keep coming back, because YOU are so worth it!

Christina