Turmoil, perfectionism

Still having a difficult time not working this week. Went to 2 meetings yesterday, shared it at one, and still feeling anxiety at not working to get new students this week.

My boss keeps emailing to find out how my week has gone, ie: did you enroll any new students, EVER THOUGH I am permitted the week off, having met my commitments. I don't think he means anything by it, just trying to shore up his end of year numbers, and I am SURE its all about my inability to say "Hey, no Im not working cus you said we didnt have to, rememberm and I deserve some time off cus I hade a great year, remember?"

Oh why do we have to be grown ups EVERY day?

I am probably going to call some kids today to see what I can do for tomorrow, or the weekend, Not the end of the world, it will help me get started for January....

Im such a wuss. Just goes to show....no matter how many years I recover, I will always have these challenges.....recovery is not cure.

Other than this, Im having a FABULOUS day here at 9:10am, EST. Of course, I have not even gotten outta bed yet.....


thats the next step.


Happy December 30th everyone!!

Real life addiction...

This is a post made on soberrecovery.com today. Its brutal and real. Carries a strong, important message of what we family members CAN do to save our own lives...

Thanksgiving - 1 year ago . . .

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I'll bet many of you have often felt like me - If I just knew what would was going to happen - then I would know which choice to make right?

If I only knew the future . . .

For me - I think NOT knowing actually saved me life . . .

For those who are new to SR, I'll give a brief background info.

I was in a 16 plus yr marriage at this time last yr - first 10 yrs of marriage we had NO recovery, then my AH went to rehab, we seperated, he got sober, I got into Al-Anon and we reconciled. We both worked on recovery and had almost 3 yrs as a recovery marriage. Then he relapsed and started that downward spiral. He spent the next 2 1/2 yrs attempting to sober again, not maintaining any length of sobriety worth noting. Many times I stated - I can't go back to living with active addiction again. He just kept on going downward . . .

Finally in November 2008, I started making plans to move out. He didn't believe I would follow thru with it. But I had given my last "second" chances. I truly was tired of trying. Tired of sleeping with my keys and cellphone in my hands at nite. Tired of hiding $$ and everything else to try to protect myself. Tired of being scared to death in my own home. Tired of the insanity and abuse.

So on Thanksgiving nite 2008, I spent the 1st in a little 1 bedroom house, leaving my new home and the majority of all my possessions. (We had just replaced our home from Hurricane Rita)

NOW, HAD I KNOWN what I was about to face in that next year - Would I have still been able to LEAVE????? Geez I don't know.

As many of you know - This year has been a tough one - My now ex AH - turned cruel and revengeful - he fought the divorce, sought spousal support, stalked me, and many nites of nightmares, plus lots of other issues.

I suffered financial ruin, lost those material possessions, my home and had many stressful hours in court. A divorce and settlement that should have been finished in May wasn't completed until the middle of Sept.

BUT tonite when I rest my head on my pillow - I will sleep in peace, my keys and cell phone - will be where ever. My purse will land wherever it falls. I never lock my vehicle at night - My ex doesn't know where I live.

I will wake in the morning - not to the grumpiness of hangovers, bloodshot eyes, bad moods, demanding of money, phone calls, disappearing for hours, etc. but to the song in my heart of gratefulness to the God of my understanding for allowing me to make it thru this year.

To the peace, love and serenity of my life, the fellowship with my family and that gratitude for the opportunity to be sane to enjoy them.

There will be a moment of silence - a time to recognize and pray for my ex - The anger is gone - I feel only sadness and healthy compassion. I mourn for that man that once was during his sobriety - I know my daughters and grandchildren miss him.

I pray someday - he finds that peace within himself again - he truly does deserve it for himself.

For those of you who seek to find the strength, courage and wisdom to start the path to another way of life for yourself - there is a way - It may not always be paved, smooth and easy - BUT it there is a way - and my friends there is calmness, happiness, joy and rest.

May each of enjoy life to the fulliest
Love and HUGS,
Rita

where can I find a serious sponsee?

I have been in the fellowship of Al-anon for a total of 18 years. Did 12 years, then *got better* and dropped out, only to experience the most significant pain of my life in a sick, twisted relationship and returned nearly 7 years ago. In all that time, I have not sponsored anyone past the 7th step.

They either leave, stop calling or lose the desire to work the steps. The new sponsee I have has not fulfilled her commitment to call me daily. Just a simple call. Meant to develop the relationship, learn trust, show commitment. When she finally calls days later, she says she knows she isnt doing anything for her recovery, but "Im trying". Huh? Not doing is trying? I tell her ACTION is trying.

I think this situation is more common than not. People's pain eases, the desperation is forgotten, the desire dies.

That has not been my experience in 7 years. I have absolutely NO desire to back up, go in reverse. I have gone thru highs and lows, pain-free and God awful pain, and never have I thought it was a bad idea to not go to a meeting, not reach out, not pray to God.

I think I am extremely fortunate...I am one of the few that remain in the low statistics of those who stay *sober*. Just for today, please God dont let me forget....